Here at Robot Butt, we take our sports seriously, just like how we take everything else seriously. There is no time for lighthearted tomfoolery in our cold, cruel world.
Anyway, the arrival of October can only mean one thing (no, not pumpkins and beautiful fall weather): the Major League Baseball playoffs! We’re ready to watch the most action-packed game get even more action-packed, so to celebrate, here are just a few of the things we’re looking forward to most this postseason:
1) The return of Ten-Cent Beer Night and a suspicious lack of security.
2) The relieving absence of Derek Jeter.
3) Drunk, confused football fans.
4) The world’s first sentient robot throwing out the first pitch!
5) The world’s first sentient robot openly disrespecting the unwritten rules of the game!
6) A lack of domestic abuse scandals.
7) Sets and props from the upcoming Star Wars: Episode VII.
8) ESPN’s inner turmoil as it decides whether to cover the MLB postseason or continue to pretend Johnny Manziel handing the ball off a couple times a game is news
9) Bon Jovi’s “It’s My Life” performed pre-game instead of the National Anthem.
10) Doomed mob informants who don’t realize what’s about to happen when the crowd ominously sings “Take Me Out At the Ballgame.”
11) Coaches in uniforms, because that makes sense.
12) The annual replacement of the baseballs with seasonally-picked apples.
13) The Phillie Phanatic handing out anti-Palestine literature.
14) Live footage of baseball legends doing other things than watching the games.
15) The Billy Beane Cosplay Competition.
17) Players from other teams hiding in closets, then when a player from a postseason team goes by, they jump out, pull the player into the closet and switch uniforms. Then they go out and play ball!
18) Whether the Kansas City Royals players can figure out what’s going on. “Coach told us to, like, come back this week. Doesn’t he understand the season’s over?”
19) Just a shitload of bunts.
20) Pitchers, but certainly not belly itchers.
21) Finally answer the perennial question, “Who’s on first?” with the new MLB Postseason App.
22) The crushing realization during “Take Me Out To The Ball Game” that you can’t remember the last time anyone bought Cracker Jacks.
23) Your uncle, who is dead-set against any kind of immigration, cheering on the “good” Latinos who help his team to victory.
24) The prolonged games making it harder to catch Bob’s Burgers.
25) Extreme close-ups of pitchers’ eyes, lingering just long enough to make you question your sanity.