We’re all busy people. Things move quickly. We don’t have time to stand around and smell the roses anymore. If it isn’t 4G LTE, then it ain’t working for me. I can’t wait for whatever gimmick comes along with 5G, but I digress.
Sometimes you need to order a pizza. Personally, I feel the need to eat pizza whenever someone around me says the word “pizza.” I have to eat it within the next 24 hours or my hunger will go unsatiated.
If you think like I do, which for your sake I hope isn’t the case, then you know where I’m going with this. If not, I’ll spell it out for you. We need to shorten up the names of popular pizza toppings. You try ordering pepperoni and anchovies on the same pizza and tell me that your jaw doesn’t hurt from all the flapping it just did.
But that’s not the only reason to truncate banana peppers and black olives! Who among us hasn’t come home around 3:30 a.m. after a long night, in need of something hot and juicy to fill up the hole in your stomach? If we shorten up the names, if we can agree on a shorthand, then you have less of a chance of slurring the word parmesan and ending up with pepperoncini. Those words don’t sound too alike? Try telling that to my buddies after fifteen Washington apples.
Let’s take a look at this list I’ve whipped up of some of the most popular pizza toppings, and their respective shortened nomenclature:
- Banana peppers – B-Peps
- Black olives – BO’s
- Pepperoni – Pep
- Onions – UnGuns (This one is just kind of fun to say)
- Anchovies – Salt Fish
- Parmesan – Flaky Cheese
- Broccoli Rabe – Broccoli Rave (The healthiest kind of rave)
- Marinated Chicken – Tuna of the Farmhouse
- Green Peppers – Pepp (Just pronounce the second “p”!)
- Mushrooms – Mush (Duh)
- Meat Lovers – Gridlock
- Ketchup – Catsup
- Pho – Just ask for it wet!
- Blood of an Innocent Child – Sacrificial
Next step is to get this printed on a menu somewhere, and have it recognized by the National Board of Pizza Entrepreneurs.