Obama Proposes Two-Stat Solution

Obama Baseball

Haraz N. Ghanbari/AP/File

Washington, DC – In a press conference this morning, President Barack Obama announced that the United States would officially adopt two new stats in fantasy baseball leagues around the country as well as in his G8 Yahoo Baseball League today, a league including most of the world’s leaders.

The move established WAR, which is really good for plenty, and xFIP, which sounds made-up, as relevant, point-winning stat categories. Obama has decreed it to be the “Two-Stat Solution”, designed to open up a deadlock that has happened over the last few seasons in his league, called the “G-Great!”. The move comes at a time when Russia is currently suspended from participating in the league, stirring controversy among those not involved in the process.

“Sure, I get that he’s the commissioner of the league and he ultimately has the final say, but I just wish he wasn’t acting so unilaterally,” said Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany and manager of the “Jumping Jerkels”.

Understandably, the cry from Russia is for justice. “We, the Russian people, will not stand for this kind of tyranny from a person so drunk on his own power,” said Vladimir Putin, President of Russia and manager of the “Putin Out Some Hits”. Putin claims he has tried to contact Obama directly to express his displeasure, but Obama has been unresponsive on the League forum.

Not everyone sees the move as negative, though. Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada and manager of the “Stephen (Bryce) Harpers”, said, “My only hope is that this ‘Two-Stat Solution’ brings some kind of stability to our league. Once we have stability we can truly work to make a better league. We could finally include China and Brazil and bump it up to a true 10-team mixed league!”

 




Robot Butt News Corp.

Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

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