A Convicted Murderer Found True Love – What’s Your Excuse?

Joran Van der Sloot gets married

Guess what everyone, true love is real!

Just look at Joran Van der Sloot, who just got married this past Friday. If you’re wondering why his name looks familiar, it’s because Van der Sloot is suspected of murdering Natalee Holloway, and is serving a 28-year prison sentence for the murder of another woman. Meanwhile, those of us still single will probably die alone.

Depending on your outlook, this is either great news or really depressing. On the one hand, if a high-profile murderer with a name straight out of the “Naming Bond Villians” guide can find someone who loves him, then you can too! After all, not being in prison gives you a leg up, as it is that much easier for you to fit date nights into your schedule. And being able to answer “No” on the “Have you ever murdered someone?” question will definitely increase your matchmaking percentage on OkCupid.

On the other hand, though, there must really be something wrong with you if you’re single and a convicted murderer isn’t. Especially when you consider that this marriage happened AFTER his conviction, so it’s not like it was a surprise to the other party. Maybe you aren’t using enough deodorant, or maybe your collection of Pokémon training cards really is more of a turn-off than murdering another human being. Whatever it is, your insecurities will continue to pile on as you desperately try to figure out why no one likes you.

Or you could take my approach: Realize the world sucks regardless, open up a bottle of Kraken and chug that shit straight down. Whatever helps you cope.

 

 




Tim Gaydos

Author: Tim Gaydos

Tim is a contributor for Robot Butt and is not hosting a parasitic xenomorph inside him, so just don't worry about it, ok? You can disagree with his opinions on Twitter @timthinksthings.

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