After 30 years in the newsman business here at Robot Butt, or what we call in the office, the “News Man Go-Around Swing Swing,” you develop a rapport with the first-years; the hot shots that run around in their “heelies” and fedoras, throwing around ideas to us old-timers like Werther’s at a bingo night. They’ll be gone before you reach five more years of tenure, and the next round of hangers-on will move in to fill their shared cubicles.
Gladly and thankfully for us long-term newsmen, we oblige and admire these fervent disciples of culture and news. They have the energy and determination to keep up to snuff on the various goings-on outside these walls, when most of the elders haven’t been allowed out of the office in years. The shadowy overlords (read: C-suite executives) are scared of letting the world see the real backbone of the Robot Butt machine, but that’s a diatribe for another time.
Naturally, when I was tapped to write a new weekly column, harnessing the power of these glorified interns was my first thought. And not in some kind of massive machine that keeps them alive utilizing a bizarre recycling of human materials through various tubes, that, in turn, harnesses their brainpower to prevent crime. Feces through a tube – get that in your mind for a second. I’m being more practical than that. I need to let these pre-teens write this stuff for us, keep it current, and then slap my name on the finalized product.
Why am I telling you this? Aren’t I worried that the toddlers fumbling to get to their cubicles by 10:00 AM after drinking their Four Lokos all night will read this and be upset, like little-CEO-in-training Tanner? [pullquote position=”right”]It’s simple. I realized no one reads print anymore. You probably stopped reading this 104 words ago.[/pullquote]
So with that said, dear reader, welcome to my new column. We’re in for an exciting time as I use several brown noses to do my work, and inject an editorialized comment here and there. The opinions contained in this column do not reflect the views of Robot Butt or even necessarily my own. So I put the charge out to you readers: Let us know what you’d like to see covered. Together, collectively, we can ask, “What’s up with stuff?”