At Robot Butt, we have a constant, unrelenting thirst for knowledge. Therefore, from time to time, we like to hold roundtable discussions that explore the depths of topics that have significant meaning to our lives and the world around us. Please, join us for this new roundtable as we discuss one of the oldest questions humanity has struggled with: What would make you sell your soul to the devil?
Steve: Sure, you could sell your soul to save your family or something like that, perhaps if they were trapped in the underworld, but the odds of that happening are fairly slim and I’d rather sell my soul for something cool, like unlimited pizza.
Patrick: Steve, I am a realist. I would sell my soul for a bus transfer pass. How the hell is someone going to know if I have actually turned over my soul to them?
Brian: First of all, yes, unlimited pizza would make me sell my soul to the devil.
Second, what kind of contract are we talking? Are there any stipulations? I would love to both sell my soul to the devil for a handsome reward and then catch him in a contract loophole.
Patrick: The moment you try and sell your soul, some patent troll is going to step in and take you to court.
Steve: This is the devil we’re talking about here, I imagine he has some of the best lawyers money – or the fear of eternal damnation – can buy. That being said, I think this is a lock that you’ll be in hell for eternity if you make the choice. The question is, let’s say you do sell it for pizza – do you think you’d still get to have it in hell?
Patrick: I am pretty sure hell doesn’t have pizza. However, those millennials in DC may be able to prove me wrong. They seem to really have their finger on the pulse of the known universe.
Brian: As a “millennial in DC” it is my ruling that hell has pizza, but the pizza is realllllly stale.
Steve: I imagine hell has Little Caesar’s, which you’re pretty down with at first, until about a week in when you realize that Little Caesar’s is the ONLY PIZZA YOU’LL EVER HAVE.
Patrick: Brian, you are not a millennial in DC. To my knowledge you have never tried to blow a project manager at a nonprofit. Little Caesar’s is gold.
Brian: I think I would sell my soul to the devil to forever have that “just put Gold Bond on my balls and it is all tingly” sensation.
Patrick: Gold Bond on your balls and Sriracha on your tongue.
Steve: How often have you considered selling your soul for a superpower? And don’t you find that the desire increases tenfold as you get older?
Brian: I would be happy with just having a bottomless Sriracha bottle. Is that a superpower?
Steve: It’s safe to say you could get any woman you want with that, so yeah I think I could consider that a superpower.
Patrick: I would sell my soul to have everyday be opening day.
Bronson: The soul is a sacred thing, and this whole conversation is blasphemy.
Brian: I was going to ask if there’s an opposite of superpower and just realized that would be a disability.
Bronson: Are we considering the possibility of leasing the soul, or possibly a long-term rental? Could you do a ten-year stint in hell for a couple of really good za’s?
Steve: This Man Sold His Soul for a Disability. You’ll NEVER Believe What Happened Next – a future Upworthy “article”
Patrick: Trade your soul for a wheelchair and breathing tube.
Brian: Bronson, are you talking about mortgaging your soul? If so, I like it.
Bronson: I’d definitely consider renting my soul out for a year in hell for like, $70,000. Basically, it’s like getting paid a pretty decent salary for spending a year in hell. I mean, I’ve worked some pretty rough jobs for less money. How bad could hell really be?
Patrick: Bronson, name me one “rough” job you’ve worked? Playing Roller Coaster Tycoon at an open house?
Bronson: Being friends with you has been pretty tough, and my only payment so far has been a bunch of mean jokes from you.
My God….am I already in hell? Do I have to put up with Pat for all eternity?
Steve: You have to factor in what kind of punishment would be awaiting you for that year in hell. Does a lifetime of pizza equate one year of getting your anus carved out from a hot iron rod?
Brian: Some people are into that, Steve. Different strokes.
Bronson: One man’s heaven is another man’s hell.
Steve: Thank you, Brian – I have so much to learn about tolerance.
Bronson: This really boils down to an economics question. What is the going rate of a year in hell?
I think we have to assume hell is more or less a standard “bad time” for everyone, and then you can go from there.