At Robot Butt, we have a constant, unrelenting thirst for knowledge. Therefore, from time to time, we like to hold roundtable discussions that explore the depths of topics that have significant meaning to our lives and the world around us. Please, join us for this new roundtable as we discuss one of the oldest questions humanity has struggled with: How many butts could you lick in one day?
Steve: This really isn’t such an easy one, which one would simply assume the answer to be zero. But there are many variables to consider. For instance, let’s say your family is being held hostage by a terrorist and you had to lick a certain number of bare butts before they were released. How many could you go before you had to look at them, crying, and said you did your best? Are you doing it for money? To just throw out a figure, would you lick, say, 100 various butts for $10,000?
Brian: This raises more questions than it answers.
- Can I choose the butts I lick?
- Going with your example, would I not receive any money if I licked 99 butts and couldn’t finish, or is the pay out proportionate?
- If I can’t pick the butts, do I at least have a guarantee that I’m not going to receive some fungal infection off the butts (kind of like how porn stars have to get tested, which the more that I’m thinking about it, that is pretty much what this is suggesting).
- Could I lick one REALLY disgusting butt for $10,000?
- Is the question actually how many butts can physically be licked in a day?
Not to mention that we would need to set up ground rules for what it is to lick.
- How many inches does the tongue need to be dragged across the anus?
- Does the butthole have to be moistened by the tongue, or can we stick to the cheek?
- Is it imperative that the tongue have moisture? (I’ve licked a lot of envelopes in my life, and you dry out pretty quick)
- In the midst of this “salad tossing,” can we engage in other activities, like reading, playing video games or eating?
These are the hard questions, but they need answered.
Patrick: All I can think about it is Brian’s dried, cracked, tacky and smoke-scented tongue “dragging” across a $10,000 asshole.
Brian: That asshole’s gold, Patrick! Gold!
I was imagining this as something you’d do in a professional environment. You could wear headphones, listen to This American Life, and just lick one cheek after another. In that sort of situation, on a really good day, I think you could lick as many as 5,700 butts. That’s one butt every five seconds for eight hours. It’d have to be an assembly line sort of setup, but I think it’s doable.
As for your tongue drying out, I don’t think it’d be that much of a problem. Unlike envelopes, butts produce their own moisture that would help supplement your tongue’s.
Yours in research,
You are dead-on with regards to the natural oils of the skin. However, are we talking about licking butt cheeks or assholes? I thought this was a sexual conversation about licking assholes…
Bronson: Say licking a butthole takes twice as long as licking cheek. That’s still over 2,800 holes per workday.
If a terrorist asked for more than that, I’d have to say they were the ones out of line.
I guess an important consideration here is: Are the butts provided or do you have to find your own?
What are we qualifying as a day? If it’s 24 hours, you better believe that if terrorists had something to do with it, I’d lick that sweet ass 24/7. If we are talking about an eight-hour work day, that’s completely different.
Yours in curiosity,
PS Maybe we can get Neil deGrasse Tyson to discuss this on the next season of Cosmos.
Bronson: If terrorists are involved, yeah, I think we’re looking at 24 hours. But if you’re doing it for money then certain labor laws are going to come into effect.
Brian: Well that’s not always the case, Bronson. Let’s take the example of doing it for a job. If it’s a salaried position, you may be expected to work overtime. If there’s a whole team of people just licking butts, you don’t want to be the first to go home, because in our society, that is seen as lazy. Just something to consider.
Bronson: If we get back to the basics here, the question is, “How Many Butts Could You Lick in One Day?” not, “How Many Would You Lick?” I’m starting to think that would have to mean the absolute maximum number of butts possible in 24 hours.
I’m going to have to go back to the five seconds a butt number and say, in 24 hours you’re looking at as many as 17,280 butts.
Patrick: This question is why the site is not called “Robot Dick.”
Bronson: Because then it would have to be a site about the adventures of a robot named Richard.
Steve: Or it would have to be about a robot detective.
Brian: It also calls into question what it is to be alive. I mean, “Robot Butt” makes sense because a robot would need to excrete excess energy in some way, might as well be through a “butt.” “Robot Dick” would suggest that the robots need a way to reproduce.
Next you’re going to want robots to be able to marry.
Steve: If the butts aren’t provided, that provides a whole list of other issues because then you have to convince people to let you lick their butts. If that’s the case, you can get probably, what, a couple in a day? And just how disgusting do you think a butt would have to be for it to be valued at a $10,000 lick?
Patrick: I was suggesting we would all be discussing how many dicks a person could lick.
Also, why the fuck would a robot have extra energy to excrete? If you design that robot, fuck you. Back to the drawing board. The Prius doesn’t take dumps.
Bronson: On the other hand, there’s a long history in sci-fi of “fully functional” androids. Data in Star Trek, as well as a number of robots in Asimov books were able to engage in congress with humans.
Patrick: DC Millennial alert! DC Millennial alert (the word “Congress” has been used by a 20 something male)!
Bronson: The Prius still has an exhaust system, Pat.
Brian: Lolita was about a pedophile, but you don’t see me trying to allow older men to copulate with younger females.
Patrick: For the combustion engine, not for the battery.
Bronson: Someone please nominate me for Arts and Culture for my Robot Butt contributions.
Suddenly Pat is a robotics expert.
Bronson: Back to this: “If the butts aren’t provided, that provides a whole list of other issues because then you have to convince people to let you lick their butts. If that’s the case, you can get probably, what, a couple in a day? And just how disgusting do you think a butt would have to be for it to be valued at a $10,000 lick?”
I think we have to assume the butts are provided, otherwise you’re giving an unfair advantage to the rich or the very convincing.
Brian: Also, male or female butts, or maybe a potpourri of both?
Steve: You have to figure in the future, when robot technology gets to a point where they are almost indistinguishable from humans, people are going to mess around with the butts. And I certainly think the butts will be provided. Whatever gender you aren’t attracted to or attracts you the least.
Brian: I’m going to also posit that Bronson’s estimate might be a little low. I think it would be possible to lick a butt once every three seconds on average, which would add up to 28,800 butts in 24 hours.
Patrick: Who is getting what out of this situation?
Bronson: Brian, I think if you’re operating on the margins of human athletic ability, and your butt moving assembly line has been engineered to perfection, maybe three seconds would be possible. But, for the average person, we’re looking at five seconds tops. That’s a two-second lick and three seconds for everything to get in position.
Brian: Bronson, it’s, “How many butts could you lick in one day?” Doesn’t that presuppose that we’re looking at a well oiled machine type of situation? I think the question is really, how many butts is it humanly possible to lick in 24 hours under the perfect circumstances? If that is so, then my estimate was probably low, if anything.
Steve: Just as a reference point, licking a butt every second for 24 hours, which isn’t inconceivable as long as you have them all lined up in a row, comes out to 86,400 butts.
Bronson: Okay, if we’re talking about the absolute perfect situation, you could probably engineer something that holds a tongue out and just swipes butts across it all day. In that situation, you could probably get a butt a second. But is that really the same as going out and licking someone’s butt? This is really about the difference between mass-produced goods, and handmade. And frankly, when it comes to butt licking, I want that human touch.
Steve: There’s really something to be said about the human element – we just don’t get that anymore, not even when it comes to licking butts. I just don’t think there’s any way you can get through more than a few hundred. The taste, the smell, the very idea of it – eventually it’s going to make you too sick. If I’m a terrorist and I don’t want you besting me, I set the bar at about 500.